Here's what I'm feeling...

I don't know who he is. I have a feeling that I may know him already.
I don't know what his name will be. But I feel like I've already said it a few times.
I don't know when it will happen. But I know it won't be in my timing.

So here's what I wanna say.

So...here's what I want to say to a certain someone. yes, I'm a total girl and wrote it out.
This conversation is gonna have to happen tomorrow at the latest, or someone else will say it for me. Which is not ok with me.

So here we go:

'Ok, I just need you to start being intentional with me. Sometimes with how you act, it seems like to me, and to a lot of other people, that you like me. I'm not 100% sure that you even realize what you say half the time, but maybe you should start thinking about it.
The truth of the matter is this: I like you a lot, and I feel like I'm starting to fall for you, which isn't ok, because I'm not sure if you have any intention of catching me.'

You know what?

I'm tired.
Sick and tired.
of what you ask?
Of BLIND guys.
Guys who chase after something, even though there's something wonderful right next to them.
Superficial boys (who choose not to fix their superficial-ness)
Boys who can't seem to look past skin-deep beauty.
Boys, who, as much as they love Jesus, still meet a girl and say 'oh she's cute,' or 'eh, she's about a 5.'
part of this frustration is solidly mine. Part of it is frustration for a friend.

Oh, boys in my life, please grow up. just a little bit.

Book idea and CRAZY confirmation

First thing's first-I have this INSANE idea for a book. We had a speaker come to one of my classes the other day and she was part in a collective book that featured stories from breast cancer survivors. I'm thinking that a collected book of essays, observations, and such from either college students living for Jesus or the siblings of adoptees would be really, really cool. I've seen books about college, but none about truly living for Jesus, and I actually think it'd be an awesome thing for people to read, especially other college students.
And I'm yet to see a non-illustrated book about being an older sibling to an adopted child. We could SO swing that...

CRAZY confirmation-I've had a particular thing on my heart, that being to try for an internship in a specific city. I have no idea why this city keeps popping up, except for it being truly God Himself. I've been praying for confirmation as to if this is truly God, or a back of my head desire to live in the city as my favorite football team :-)
Today, I went to hand a paper in to one of my teachers, who randomly enough has taught pretty much everywhere, including the state that this particular city is in. I decided to ask him about internships today. Repeat of conversation here:
Me-Hey, do you know of any good internships that would help me gain experience in (insert name of prayed about field here)
Dr SP- Oh, anywhere in particular? Are you wanting to stay in GA or go somewhere else?
Me-Well, I'm really open to almost anything. Staying in GA isn't really a priority for me.
Dr. SP-Well, I've got contacts up in (insert name of state here), and I can look up some, most of them are all in the same city.
(by this point I'm about to pass out)
Me-out of curiosity. what city would that be in.
Dr SP-(Insert name of specific prayed about city here).
(cue me falling out of my chair...)
Me-That sounds great!

So, in two weeks or so, I'll have a list of contacts in a city that I may possibly be moving to...Sometimes God speaks in a whisper, other times He speaks with a freight train. This time He used the freight train.

I Promise....

To blog more.
For real.
and to make my blog actually fancy cute and junk.
and to post pictures from the summer.
but, to tie the possible people reading this blog over, here you go
<--- this describes life as of late. Random people popping up like 'what the hey?' (like JD in the back), a little crazy and silly (like Abby) and a little clueless, but happy (like me).
i'm sure they'll love this when they see it.

I have got to blog more...

I'm gonna start moving stuff over from ye olde myspace blog, in an attempt to make the blogging thing work out more for me.
I quoted Mr. Rogers a LOT one day, so here we go...

*When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong along with the fearful, the true mixed in with the facade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.
*Love isn't a perfect state of caring. It is an active noun like 'struggle.' To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now-and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain.
*As you continue to work on your understanding of youself and others, you are really engaging in love.
*Love is like infinity. You can't have more or less infinity, and you can't compare two things to see if they're equally infinite. Infinity just is, and that's the way I think love is, too.
*It's a mistake to think that we have to be lovely to be loved by human beings or by God.

How smart was this man? I'd have loved to have had a conversation with him.

What I want...

These are the 3 things I want, as of late. I don't feel as if this is asking too much.

1. I want guys to be INTENTIONAL with girls. If I don't stand a chance, don't flirt like crazy and make me think that I do, just to leave me with a broken heart later.

2. I want guys to actually look around. There are PLENTY of good, decent, wonderful women around that are just waiting for the day they catch the eye of that guy. Most of what's holding the guy back from just looking around him are completely superficial reasons.

3. I want guys to actually not give girls cop-out answers. Yes, 'You're like my sister' is a COP OUT, especially if you're known to flirt with said person. If she was really like your sister, you wouldn't flirt with her. Chances are, you're really meaning to say 'I care about you and don't want to run the risk of hurting you and ruining our friendship'. If you really feel that, if you got into a relationship with your best girl friend, the friendship would be ruined and that's not something you're willing to risk then TELL HER instead of saying 'Oh, you're like my sister' and continuing to flirt outrageously.

UGHH!!!!!!

For Jennilee and Matthew :-)

I'm not 100% if I've mentioned it before, but two of my treasure-friends (Matthew P and Jennilee) are going on an 11 month (!!!! in the words of just about everyone) mission trip called The World Race and they're both leaving in September. Being broke and jobless, I've been trying to help Jennilee with little things, like the barbecue dinner she did the other night and the yard sale she's doing in a few weeks (I love 'hands-on' help, honestly). She still lacks around 3,000 dollars to meet her goal, so if you'd like to help her be the hands of Jesus, go to www.jennileebaird.theworldrace.org (here's Matthew's link as well- http://matthewpoole.theworldrace.org/)
Both of these people have impacted my life in indescribable ways, and both of them have very powerful testimonies. Jennilee became one of my dearest friends, and God has used her to encourage me and remind me of what I needed to hear (even if I didn't want to hear it...and if I could count the times that I've said 'You told me so...'). God's used Matthew to speak truth into my life and encourage me so many times. I wish I could tell both of them how much of an impact they've had on me, but it would honestly take WAY too long to go through that.
During their trip, they'll be working with orphans, which is my heart, and I know is the heart of many people, especially families that have adopted. I'd encourage you to go to theworldrace.org and see if you can support them and this ministry.
:-)
(PS-went to see the Medallions in June...will post pictures soon, I promise. There's one that I obsessed over, because i wanted it to be pretty...which will take more explaining than the blog-o-sphere needs to have ;-) but needless to say, it's ended up being one of my favorites. And I may be taking the girls to see them soon, which will result in more cute pictures of Ellie and her BFF Josh)

Tears....

****I will be the first to admit, I'm sentimental, relatively easily moved to tears, and incredibly empathetic. If you ever need anyone to cry with you, I'm the girl to call.****
That being said, I've been in tears for the past 4 days over another little Ellie, who many think will go home to be with her Heavenly Father very very soon. Ellie Shoal Potvin is eight years old and battling against stage 4 relapse rhabdomyosarcoma. Her lungs are covered in tumors, one is starting to block off her airway, and she has a massive tumor on her hip that ruptured a few days ago. Her family is basically waiting for the lord to take her home.
That being said, a little boy named Riley from Blackshear passed away in an accident last Wednesday. He was the same age as my oldest little sister, and they probably saw each other every day. When I worked at a daycare, he was one of the kids I saw every day. His little sister was in one of the rooms I worked in. She's around E's age.
Both of these have shaken me to the core. I've woken up many times in the night, thinking about Riley passing away, how his sister is probably upset and confused. I'm waking up, thinking about the Potvin family, seemingly waiting for the angels to carry Ellie into the arms of Jesus, praying for a miracle. I can't even imagine losing any of my siblings, even though I know, given certain circumstances, it's a possibility. It's not something I want to think about in the least.
Overall, what I'm gleaning from this:
Get closer to Jesus
Believe in miracles
Don't let the little things go unnoticed
Treasure the small things.
Be with your friends as much as you can
Be nice to those that you might not even like
and Love like crazy :-)

I AM missing you!

There's a song...don't ask me who sings it, cause I don't remember.
I think it's John Waite, though, but don't hold me to it...
It's called 'Missin' You'...and it's like 'I ain't missin you at all...since you've been gone away...'

Truth be told, I AM missing...several yous...
*I miss my best friend...even if I do talk to her everyday, more than I talk to my mom. Ex-boyfriend used to joke that if he ever wanted to know where I was, he should just call her, because she would know faster than he would... so 'the boys' are gonna have to share, because I need retail therapy...which is basically me watching her shop, but whatever. Therapy is therapy.
*I miss my best guy friend....because I got to see him on a daily basis last semester, and I think I've seen him once this summer...but for completely unrelated reasons, this might actually be for the best
*I miss Sara...she's working at camp...but the thing that probably triggers that is her BF also misses her...her BF being my unlikely twin, he's passing his sadness onto me...
*I miss MP-because he's such and encourager i can just be in the same room as him and feel better.
*I miss RN-and the sad thing is, we were gonna have lunch the other day and we both forgot...whoops
*I miss Mrs. Terri-because she's my Savannah mama.
*I miss Kathy...because who else am I gonna act all goofy and crazy with @ the BCM?

(that's all for now, i don't want to get depressed....

Jesus time

Friday was rough for some reason, my brain was working against me in every possible way.
Saturday was pretty good though. Went to a wedding for my friends Trista and Brett. Possibly the coolest wedding I've ever been to. Then I went to a graduation party for my friend Carson, where I spent some time with some friends and accidentally struck up a conversation with another friend's mom (without realizing it was her mom, lol).
Sunday went to church, Jennilee and Ashley (two of my precious treasure friends) knew I was coming, but my friends Charity, Matthew, Frank, and Dax acted kind of surprised to see me there, which was ok. I love going to SSAG, it really has a 'home' kind of feel for me. Pastor Jack spoke on something that I needed to hear, and it was good. Afterwards, we went to the park and hung out for a while, then the gals went to Jennilee's for some worship time...it was AWESOME>.
the enemy is fighting me in my emotions right now...please pray for me as far as that goes.

full heart...

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're reading a post of someone with a full heart. These past few days have been SO HARD.

I was depressed. I will not lie. I have wonderful friends and family, and some of them have been distracting me from my depression, which has been such a help.
I have a few friends that I'm going to start calling my precious treasures. God has this tendency to send people when we need them most, and God has been sending me some very good friends as of late.
Precious treasure friend #1 for this post is Matt, who listened to my ramblings most of the weekend (yes mom, he has verizon....the bill isn't gonna be ridiculous). Matt has a very patient ear (or a thumb, since he likes to text).
Precious treasure friend #2 is Gracie. Gracie is such an amazing inspiration sometimes, and God has used her many times to tell me exactly what He wanted me to hear. Today, she sent me this message:
I feel lead to tell you that God's love for you is so vast and enormous, bigger than all the oceans put together. And what can separate u from his reckless pursuit, everlasting romance, and this father heart towards you???? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!! You are his and he is yours. He calls you beloved and wont let you leave his sight. Even if you try to roam into other territory than the land he is given you....He cant help himself but to come chase after his beloved, YOU, a treasure more valuable than gold. He calls you fair one, and delights in your figure and face:)

You are "seated in His delightful shade and His fruit is delicious to eat. He brings YOU to the banqueting hall so that everyone can see how much He loves you"! SOS 2:3-4

I encourage you to PRESS into the Lord and give him anything that may be wearing you down. He is ready to take it, but He wants you to willingly give it in trust and have a surrendered heart. He is not forceful, but beautifully gentle, and will not take without you offering.

"SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND THE R E S T WILL BE ADDED UNTO YOU"!

And the thoughts hereafter are partially the reply I sent to Gracie, when I let my heart run and everything just kind of came out:

I need the Father to heal my heart, but my stubborn will doesn't want to give up all of the pieces. I've learned lately that I have a major problem with wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING, which is such a problem when I'm trying to live for God.

I held onto Seth for so long, just because it was comfortable. Even though I felt that pull, that God wanted me closer to Him, walking with HIM and letting Him lead me, I held onto Seth, just because I could see something the world would call secure. I let Seth be my comfort and my shelter, when I should have been letting the Father have rule. Separating from Seth was the HARDEST thing I've done in a very long time, mainly because it meant losing that comfort that my flesh loved and wanted, and my ever-deceitful heart has made me question what I did a million and three times, but I know that I did what the Father asked me to do, and follow HIM, that GOD wants to be my shelter, refuge, and wants to tell me that HE thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful.

So many times I get bogged down in the guilt of my sin, that 'Now you know you shouldn't have done that' mode of thought, even though I know that God is faithful and just to forgive. I often forget that God's love is so PERFECT, and that God wishes to comfort me when I feel like He should be punching me in the face. Even when I feel unclean and unloveable, He's STILL chasing after me, wanting to tell me that HE finds me beautiful and wonderful, and that even when I don't see it, He sees a beautiful, wonderful, and magnificent creation.

Some of the people at church on Sunday were not being incredibly sensitive to the break-up and to my feelings, and I heard a few of them talking behind my back, which didn't help the fact that I was already incredibly upset. However, my grandmother figure gently reminded me that "God's got you, and He's got that way of knowing what's best, even when we don't believe it for ourselves, and He wouldn't lead His beautiful daughter to the valley if the view from the mountain wasn't GLORIOUS.'

*I'm aware that this got very rambley, but my heart was full, i thought i should share*

I promised a sweet story....

and this sweet story will be shared...but not without a very goofy picture of my two favorite little people in the entire world...

at one point at the medallions concert, Ellie was attempting to take a picture...and couldn't quite get it...enter Josh, her new best friend. Josh grabs my camera and takes the picture for Ellie (of Justin in the last post). He then takes this super cute picture of me and Ellie
------------------------------>
But the sweetness didn't end there (Josh is a very, very sweet guy, as I learned). At one point, Ellie fell asleep during the concert. I was trying to wake her up, but she was very, very grouchy. Josh saw me and Valerie trying to get her awake and walked over, picked her up, and they had a very nice talk (from what Ellie told me). They sat down, at at one point, Josh sang the backpack song from Dora, just to make her smile)
and my mother wonders why I love these guys....

Comfort

I constantly struggle with comfort.
I can't sleep with it too hot, I HATE close-toed and tight shoes (the inventor of the flip-flop is one of my heroes), and I generally don't like dresses (thanks to an odd body type i seem to have).

But another area in my life that i struggle with comfort is in my spiritual life. God calls us not to be complacent, but to go where we're probably not very comfortable.That includes going to other countries, or just to someone that we might not like that much. God has been showing me so much that I'm using the excuse of comfort to not move in the direction that He's attempting to get me to go. While I know that I will not be happy if I don't listen to the Father, it's hard to remember that I may have to give up things I've come to love, whether it be foods, activities, or relationships with others.
God's been hitting the relationship button lately. My heart doesn't want to give it up, but then the other day I read in Jeremiah: 'The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it?' (Jeremiah 17:9).
Please pray that I will listen to the spirit that lives within me, not to the deceitful heart with its fleshly desires, and that I will see my comfort in my Savior .

-Whitney

Special Moments

There were some special moments Saturday. I can't deny it.
I took the little sisters to see the Swingin' Medallions for the first time, and they had a ball. Especially Ellie, who is a little more outgoing than Josie-Tatum. I think it's fair to say that she stole a couple of hearts

especially this guy in the blue. Ellie's new best friend (and possibly mine). His name is Josh, and he was SO very sweet to Ellie. Josh took this picture of Ellie with my camera...silly guy loves to steal cameras...he also took the below picture of Justin, the guitar player (who is really, really awesome). Promises for more pictures later, and a sweet story about a sweet duet :-)

troubled spirit

I was reading up on a church somewhere that's famous for spewing hatred. It saddens me, as this is how many people decide to perceive Christians.

God does not hate 'fags'. God loves them as much as any other person, and as much as He loves me or any member of that church. He hates their sin, not them.
For that matter, the sin of homosexuality is just as great as any other sin, whether it be adultery, stealing, coveting, or idolatry.
I would honestly look hard into commandment number one, that says 'You shall have no other gods before me,' because it would appear that the majority of these people are putting their leader and in front of God, and that their leader is putting his own self-righteousness in front of the truth of God.
God doesn't hate America, or any other country for that matter. God is displeased with their sins, which will result in judgment, which is something that only God can do. God is loving and just, not full of hatred.

somewhat confused about what to do.

In the words of Kelly Clarkson....

If I could hold on through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?

attempts at reading

I dislike Mondays.
I told my friend Matt today that if if Mondays didn't exist, Tuesdays ran away, Wednesdays took a long vacation, and Thursdays disappeared, school wouldn't suck quite as bad...and I believe that today.
In complete honesty, I do not like reading for this history class. Right now, I'm taking a five minute break from reading chapters in the Koran, which (1) screams 'Jesus is not happy with you right now!' and (2) isn't all that interesting or easy to follow, especially when there are 100+ verses in one chapter (thank you to the psalmists for only having one chapter be that long).
This semester, I've read a lot in my history classes that compromises my faith. It's not making me do some 'second guess' of who Jesus is or what's truth and what's not truth, but it does make me appreciate the simple faith and trust in a Savior who is bigger than me.

When my teacher asks "Do you really know if Jesus existed?", it makes me a tad angry. He goes on the basis that no one, other than the historian Josephus, wrote about Jesus, and Josephus didn't describe him as the Messiah that Christians believe. The Romans had no record of him, and he never wrote anything down, and only one of the gospel writers was actually there.
At this point, I'm not happy.
My friend Jesse called him down on the last note: Matthew and John were both disciples, Mark witnessed much of what happened in the early days and had a first hand account of parts of the gospel from Peter, and Luke was a doctor at the time that witnessed parts of Jesus's ministry.

Here were my thoughts:
Josephus was a Jew. The Jews rejected Jesus as Messiah. Of course he's not going to be mentioned as the messiah.
The Romans weren't originally fond of Jesus...and they had Him put to death. Why write out a large record of someone you didn't want around.
If you use the logic of 'He didnt write anything down, so he must not exist,' then you have to use it with other historical figures. Notably, Socrates. He didn't write anything down either, but no one seems to question his existence. But, if my teacher can question the existence of my Savior on the basis of Jesus not writing anything down, then I can question the existence of a philosopher.

Anyways...just had to rant on that a little bit.
On a brighter note, Saturday is one day closer. If you live in waycross, ga, you know that it's SWAMPFEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and Saturday is the Swingin' Medallions!!!!!!! I LOVE the Medallions. My daddy swears it's because my Aunt Vikki and Uncle Wayne had a hand in raising me...they always listened to the oldies, and their daughter (who is 15 years and a day older than me, probably not very happy that I gave away her age, and she's always been one of my very, very favorite people on the planet) went to her share of Medallions concerts when she was in high school...told me I needed to go, I went...and now it's an obsession...that my dad chooses to explain as 'Oh, she was raised by the Brigman's. I'm hoping Mysti will come with me, either this weekend or in June...but considering she's having a baby in August, I'm thinking that the likelihood is higher for Saturday.

Really, really emotionally exhausted.

Friday morning, the world lost a great man of God. I lost a friend.
Penn Mobley was one of the first friends I made in Savannah. He had a tenacity, humor, and wit that were unmatched by anyone that I had ever met. His crazy man ways were enough to make anyone laugh out loud.
He had beaten cancer twice, and was ready for whatever God had in store for him.
I had just seen him on Tuesday...we talked, we joked, I got a Penn-hug. Wednesday, he was in a coma. Thursday, he was declared braindead. Friday morning, he was gone.
I believe that his soul had gone to be with the Father Thursday night, his body was just catching up. These past few days have been tough. I want to focus on the happiness, not on the sadness that I'm feeling. So, I started going through pictures. Penn had this habit of making people laugh...and doing extremely goofy things...
Like when he and Karie tried to open up a can of mandarin oranges with an ice pick and a metal pitcher.




How he flexed his man muscles...then said 'please...what muscles?' when i posted it on my facebook page.




and how he kept trying to eat them...just to hear autumn say 'PENN! STOP IT!' (yes, that picture was totally posed...and worth it, lol)


**More to come...went through some more pictures and found a lot more...**

Song of my heart

We've been singing this song alot at bible study on Thursday nights. I thought it'd be fitting to share.


How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

waiting....

I'm waiting to hear a presidential speech.
from the actual president.
He's in savannah, in case anyone missed it, but I wasnt invited to the campus, so I can't actually be there to witness it.
Which I find interesting, to say the least.
anyways, contemplating typing out what i think.
and apparently there is a slim chance he'll be touring different places...so I have the camera ready just in case.

whine...well, not so much...

Note: Seth and I are back together. thought you should know.

I'm kind of glad to be back in Savannah. After all, most of the people i would consider close friends are here anyways. Not to mention that living (mostly) by yourself for four months and doing your own thing makes it hard to go back to where you have to worry about what other people are doing. I confess I enjoy spending time with my family, but I also enjoy only having to worry about me. it's nice :-)

I havent hit the homesickness yet, but it may be coming, especially when i realize that my bed isn't made into a blanket fort, and that i cant hear the little people talking in their sleep (nonsense words 90% of the time). Part of me is going to find a way to appease myself...maybe partially covering my roommates car in post-it notes? change all of the names of one of my friends phone contacts to pokemon characters? Excuse my strange sense of humor, but both of those sound rewarding and hilarious.

BCM on Wednesday, Wheeler's on Thursday...two things that I am very much looking forward to :-)