full heart...

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're reading a post of someone with a full heart. These past few days have been SO HARD.

I was depressed. I will not lie. I have wonderful friends and family, and some of them have been distracting me from my depression, which has been such a help.
I have a few friends that I'm going to start calling my precious treasures. God has this tendency to send people when we need them most, and God has been sending me some very good friends as of late.
Precious treasure friend #1 for this post is Matt, who listened to my ramblings most of the weekend (yes mom, he has verizon....the bill isn't gonna be ridiculous). Matt has a very patient ear (or a thumb, since he likes to text).
Precious treasure friend #2 is Gracie. Gracie is such an amazing inspiration sometimes, and God has used her many times to tell me exactly what He wanted me to hear. Today, she sent me this message:
I feel lead to tell you that God's love for you is so vast and enormous, bigger than all the oceans put together. And what can separate u from his reckless pursuit, everlasting romance, and this father heart towards you???? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!! You are his and he is yours. He calls you beloved and wont let you leave his sight. Even if you try to roam into other territory than the land he is given you....He cant help himself but to come chase after his beloved, YOU, a treasure more valuable than gold. He calls you fair one, and delights in your figure and face:)

You are "seated in His delightful shade and His fruit is delicious to eat. He brings YOU to the banqueting hall so that everyone can see how much He loves you"! SOS 2:3-4

I encourage you to PRESS into the Lord and give him anything that may be wearing you down. He is ready to take it, but He wants you to willingly give it in trust and have a surrendered heart. He is not forceful, but beautifully gentle, and will not take without you offering.

"SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND THE R E S T WILL BE ADDED UNTO YOU"!

And the thoughts hereafter are partially the reply I sent to Gracie, when I let my heart run and everything just kind of came out:

I need the Father to heal my heart, but my stubborn will doesn't want to give up all of the pieces. I've learned lately that I have a major problem with wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING, which is such a problem when I'm trying to live for God.

I held onto Seth for so long, just because it was comfortable. Even though I felt that pull, that God wanted me closer to Him, walking with HIM and letting Him lead me, I held onto Seth, just because I could see something the world would call secure. I let Seth be my comfort and my shelter, when I should have been letting the Father have rule. Separating from Seth was the HARDEST thing I've done in a very long time, mainly because it meant losing that comfort that my flesh loved and wanted, and my ever-deceitful heart has made me question what I did a million and three times, but I know that I did what the Father asked me to do, and follow HIM, that GOD wants to be my shelter, refuge, and wants to tell me that HE thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful.

So many times I get bogged down in the guilt of my sin, that 'Now you know you shouldn't have done that' mode of thought, even though I know that God is faithful and just to forgive. I often forget that God's love is so PERFECT, and that God wishes to comfort me when I feel like He should be punching me in the face. Even when I feel unclean and unloveable, He's STILL chasing after me, wanting to tell me that HE finds me beautiful and wonderful, and that even when I don't see it, He sees a beautiful, wonderful, and magnificent creation.

Some of the people at church on Sunday were not being incredibly sensitive to the break-up and to my feelings, and I heard a few of them talking behind my back, which didn't help the fact that I was already incredibly upset. However, my grandmother figure gently reminded me that "God's got you, and He's got that way of knowing what's best, even when we don't believe it for ourselves, and He wouldn't lead His beautiful daughter to the valley if the view from the mountain wasn't GLORIOUS.'

*I'm aware that this got very rambley, but my heart was full, i thought i should share*

troubled spirit

I was reading up on a church somewhere that's famous for spewing hatred. It saddens me, as this is how many people decide to perceive Christians.

God does not hate 'fags'. God loves them as much as any other person, and as much as He loves me or any member of that church. He hates their sin, not them.
For that matter, the sin of homosexuality is just as great as any other sin, whether it be adultery, stealing, coveting, or idolatry.
I would honestly look hard into commandment number one, that says 'You shall have no other gods before me,' because it would appear that the majority of these people are putting their leader and in front of God, and that their leader is putting his own self-righteousness in front of the truth of God.
God doesn't hate America, or any other country for that matter. God is displeased with their sins, which will result in judgment, which is something that only God can do. God is loving and just, not full of hatred.

attempts at reading

I dislike Mondays.
I told my friend Matt today that if if Mondays didn't exist, Tuesdays ran away, Wednesdays took a long vacation, and Thursdays disappeared, school wouldn't suck quite as bad...and I believe that today.
In complete honesty, I do not like reading for this history class. Right now, I'm taking a five minute break from reading chapters in the Koran, which (1) screams 'Jesus is not happy with you right now!' and (2) isn't all that interesting or easy to follow, especially when there are 100+ verses in one chapter (thank you to the psalmists for only having one chapter be that long).
This semester, I've read a lot in my history classes that compromises my faith. It's not making me do some 'second guess' of who Jesus is or what's truth and what's not truth, but it does make me appreciate the simple faith and trust in a Savior who is bigger than me.

When my teacher asks "Do you really know if Jesus existed?", it makes me a tad angry. He goes on the basis that no one, other than the historian Josephus, wrote about Jesus, and Josephus didn't describe him as the Messiah that Christians believe. The Romans had no record of him, and he never wrote anything down, and only one of the gospel writers was actually there.
At this point, I'm not happy.
My friend Jesse called him down on the last note: Matthew and John were both disciples, Mark witnessed much of what happened in the early days and had a first hand account of parts of the gospel from Peter, and Luke was a doctor at the time that witnessed parts of Jesus's ministry.

Here were my thoughts:
Josephus was a Jew. The Jews rejected Jesus as Messiah. Of course he's not going to be mentioned as the messiah.
The Romans weren't originally fond of Jesus...and they had Him put to death. Why write out a large record of someone you didn't want around.
If you use the logic of 'He didnt write anything down, so he must not exist,' then you have to use it with other historical figures. Notably, Socrates. He didn't write anything down either, but no one seems to question his existence. But, if my teacher can question the existence of my Savior on the basis of Jesus not writing anything down, then I can question the existence of a philosopher.

Anyways...just had to rant on that a little bit.
On a brighter note, Saturday is one day closer. If you live in waycross, ga, you know that it's SWAMPFEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and Saturday is the Swingin' Medallions!!!!!!! I LOVE the Medallions. My daddy swears it's because my Aunt Vikki and Uncle Wayne had a hand in raising me...they always listened to the oldies, and their daughter (who is 15 years and a day older than me, probably not very happy that I gave away her age, and she's always been one of my very, very favorite people on the planet) went to her share of Medallions concerts when she was in high school...told me I needed to go, I went...and now it's an obsession...that my dad chooses to explain as 'Oh, she was raised by the Brigman's. I'm hoping Mysti will come with me, either this weekend or in June...but considering she's having a baby in August, I'm thinking that the likelihood is higher for Saturday.

Song of my heart

We've been singing this song alot at bible study on Thursday nights. I thought it'd be fitting to share.


How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom